I feel like I have been here for a week.
It’s been a month.
The end of work, social gatherings, and impromptu run-ins with familiar faces have been replaced with unpacking hundreds of boxes, moving furniture, framing familiar faces and placing them around the house, and trying to be there for an isolated teen and aging dogs while feeling completely out-of-sorts myself.
Moving sucks.
It’s been way more disruptive than I thought it would be—I mean, I expected the chaos and upheaval of location changes and moving loads of stuff, but I wasn’t prepared for the continued emotional waves and the persistent silence and the grief.
I don’t feel like myself. And I feel pretty alone. Sure, I have two of my favorite people under the same roof, but I look in the mirror and don’t really know who I am anymore.
Sounds a little dramatic?
Yeah, that’s my middle name these days. Kinda floating in this weirdness of no roots, no face-to-face friendships, no satisfaction of a day’s worth of work (like,a job kinda work).
I have become a house-focused busy bee, and it just doesn’t satisfy at all.
So, I woke up this morning and gave myself a good talking to.
It’s so easy for me to focus on the negative. I’ve known this about myself for years. It’s one reason why I have stepped back from social media and the news. I lived in constant doomsday for so long.
But there are so many good things going on right now, and the shadow of sorrow has darkened my perspective. Instead of sitting here and spontaneously bursting into tears, I am choosing to remember the good things. I’ll admit—I feel a tad guilty for focusing on them when I know the sad things are ever present, but I just can’t go on living like this anymore—I need to find footing again.
So, the good things:
👉I love my new house. It’s not perfect, but it’s so pretty and perfectly ours. It’s felt like home ever since I first stepped foot in it.
👉My neighbors have been friendly—we’ve even gotten a few housewarming gifts. I feel like I am seen a little, which is always nice when you’re a stranger.
👉My sister is a day trip away! This hasn’t been the case in two decades! We’ve never had family near by. AND, my extended family is only a few hours north. I haven’t lived anywhere near them since 7th grade! Family gatherings might be a little more often than they’ve ever been for us.
👉People are visiting. Iowans have already slept under my roof, my sons are coming soon, and our other extended family and friends are penciling in visits. So much face-to face to look forward to.
👉Church is vibrant and friendly and I feel like it is a place I can connect in right away.
Good things, abound. I just need to take a breath and consider them every once in a while—or more often than that.
Before we made the big move, I scheduled a few appointments with my therapist. He warned me that I could get stuck in a depressive swing if I don’t connect with others in this new place. Yesterday, I thought about going to the gym to just say “hi” to the front desk person who recognizes us after a few encounters. But I talked myself out of it—I just didn’t want to put forth the effort.
But, besides primping my house and caring for my people under this roof, effort just must be made—to think of good things and to take steps connecting with others.
The thought of all this exhausts me. I keep telling myself, I am too old for this kind of life change.
But, I have to try. I have to find my footing and be a person again. I’m sick of floating and not recognizing myself anymore.
Moving sucks. But it’s time for it to be really good now. I just have to let it.
angie dicken 