True Worship

Yesterday, I sat in church for the first time.

Not really.

But if a worship service is truly about worshipping God, then it might have been a time of only few for me.

Over the past forty + years, somewhere along this Christian walk, I have made my experience of church about me. My lens of worship has often been self-focused—where I search and seek for the a-ha or the conviction or the answers to my own life circumstances. Instead of worshipping God alone, I end up worshipping the possibility that God might show up for me.
Not that He won’t or that reflection is wrong, but what I have discovered is that I lean heavily on my side of this “personal relationship”.

Of course, the fact that the details of my life are known to the God of the Universe affirms a certain beauty of Faith, but my worship time appears to be an individualist pursuit. Culture for the win.

Isn’t true worship a selfless adoration of God alone?

Do I ever worship without the thoughts of unanswered prayers in my mind? Without an emotional response wrapped up in my own lens of what God does for me?

The thinking trips me up. I start to measure a good church experience according to how much I hash out in my brain, when I suspect the value of worship lies in the prostrations of my heart. Only for God. Not because of what He does for me or has the power to do, just because He is God. And worshipping Him is my greatest purpose.

I sat in church yesterday, and I tried focusing on God, finally. To truly be present for Another is a tough heart-conditioning in this culture of the individual. There is an unraveling and rewiring that must happen. I think I have only gotten one tangle out. But I am thankful for the chance, each day, to keep working out of myself, instead of constantly focusing on the thinking inside my head.

What My Daughter Needs to Know About Drama

Can we talk about drama? And I don’t mean the kind that captured my heart in high school, when I transformed into a character on stage. I am talking about a different kind of drama—found in high school too…but oh, so not fun in any way.

I have a tween girl. And knowing this time was coming, I’ve quietly anticipated the drama I’m talking about.

All you moms of girls know that drama is a real issue among our daughters. For those of you who don’t have this in your every day, it’s basically the interactions that stir up an us vs. them mentality among peers, initiates sneaky backbiting whispers, sends dirty looks, and inflates ever-destructive gossip.

One might think it’s easily avoidable. But it’s not. Because I don’t just see it among little girls in classrooms, I see it among adults all the time. I see it in all sorts of places. It’s no wonder impressionable kids absorb the need to practice drama in their own lives, especially if it’s abundant in the world of those they look up to.

My consistent piece of advice since my tween hit double digits is “if there’s drama, walk the other way”. But, a recent bout of drama sent my daughter into tears, then into anger, then into wanting to prove she has enough friends that one lost friendship wouldn’t bother her. And while I was super impressed with her willingness to show her resilience to the “drama”, I was also conflicted by her fierce attitude of payback.

Uh…maybe I need to have a few more bits of advice at the ready. Because ‘walking away’ isn’t always easy when you’re dragged into it…or unintentionally play a role in the mess.

I’ve been considering a few more things I will play on repeat until she’s grown:

👉 Kindness doesn’t mean giving your heart away. It’s a response, not a surrender. But it is absolutely necessary all the time. Has meanness ever ended drama? Nope.

👉Saying sorry is important if you did something wrong. Even if you don’t get a sorry back for what they did wrong (and don’t wait for their apology…move on, darling…move on).

👉Be the good. Be aware of the bad but continue to be the light you’ve been created for.

👉Yes, words break hearts, don’t let them break your spirit. You are wonderfully made. And, in fact, those girls are too. They just made mistakes.

👉Some friendships are for a season. Some aren’t meant to be. That’s okay. You have your people. Pray they’ll have theirs.

👉Always talk to Mom. She’s been there. Done that. She can see through most facades at this point. And most of all she loves you more than you’ll ever realize.

❤️❤️❤️

Fortunately, the drama resolved itself by apologies and reconciliation this time. But I realized my job is far from settling down with my fourth child a year away from teen-hood. It’s just ramping up to a whole new ball game. Not the sports-centric, competitive type of my boys…but the heart-ripping, esteem-teetering, heart-hardening warning signs for my daughter.

I am up for the challenge–not only to protect her, but mostly, to equip her in a life-giving way.

Moms, do you have any advice you’d add to my list?

A Snippet of Truth

Truth: I have more grace for others than myself.


My inner critic is at an all time high right now. I keep considering what I said and how it was taken, and maybe I should remove myself from situations where I can talk. 😂
But I don’t think shrinking back from community is the right move. That’s what we were made for. This lone leaf looks full of life for the moment, but it won’t last long without the larger whole it was once connected to.


Pushing myself to get beyond my thoughts and continue to allow myself to connect…regardless of my ridiculous flaws.

Jude’s Advice

Sometimes, my scrolling takes me by surprise, and I stumble upon ideas and controversy that leave me unsettled and floundering.

How can an opinion hold so much power in my heart?

I struggle so deeply with this, it keeps me from peace many times. And I am sure, I’ve pushed people away with my own rash opinion too.

Words can destroy and tear down. I have realized how powerful words can be—especially when riddled with fear. Fear wields all sorts of missteps in my intent and witness.
I cringe at the opinions that flow so quickly from my tongue, not even knowing the full truth of the matter—but a bolster of fear has me do it.
I wobble, I shake, and I lose my footing of a Holy faith.

Only by Love do I steady myself again…only by knowing that any word pales in the Word that saves.
I am thankful for this advice in Jude when we’re faced with grumblers, complainers, divisions (mentioned before this verse). There is great freedom in building up beyond the division and knowing where mercy is truly found.

I am losing

I am losing.

These three words came out of my mouth the other day. And it surprised me how much they sum up my state of heart when it comes to being the only spiritual leader in my family.

On any economy, I am pretty much scraping the barrel, most days, if the currency is the bpm of spiritual life among my family members.

If I listen to the demand of Christian parenting gurus out there, then I am absolutely not living up to the “supposed to”’s as a mom. If I allow those who subscribe to modern culture to frame up what Christianity is supposed to look like, then I am the biggest loser.

When was the last time we prayed over a meal? When was the last family devotional time? When was the last time my kids sat in church two Sundays in a row? And when was the last time I fit into the mold of a Christ-centered marriage?

Years and years.

A lot of folks leave the church with the greatest reason being undue guilt and shame that guise as “good Christianity”.

But if that means that a self-help, checklist approach to being a Christian is valid, then I think the cross is buried in pragmatism with a tightening thread of plastic.

I drove to church today, alone, thinking I am the worst. I lost. I set myself up for this brilliant life back when I thought Christianity was all about knowing. And I tried with all my strength to pump my knowing into my little children.

But Christianity is nothing if it’s only about belief. Christianity is so much more than believing and saying a word. It’s about falling in love. It’s about being so compelled by Love, that nobody can stop you from meeting Love on Sunday—not the children who you love nearly as much nor the marriage that is growing more and more in grace than any self-help guru would believe.

I AM losing if I believe my kids’ Love of Christ is really about me. I am the biggest loser if I think forcing belief or demanding respect is what true Christianity calls for.

But I am not lost.
I am found.
I am glad I went to church today. And I am thankful that believing is so small a part in this journey—because sometimes I can’t even think straight, and that’s when Love takes over and my heart beats without my permission. And I release all my losing to the One Who’s already won. 

A Prayer, Mama

Today, I watch the snow fall in heavy descent. And while the earth is blanketed in white, my thoughts are pressing into the dark corners of my mind. My heart curls its fists as I realize the reason for the additional peace of a snow day—the fact that this day is void of the niggle of stress that comes with this mom sending her kids into American classrooms. Every school day, my lungs function a little less than 💯 until my babies gather at home again.

This is true. Some might think I am dramatic. I can’t help that it’s a true “confession” of me. And I don’t think I am alone.

This quiet morning, with my children sleeping soundly in their beds, I chose to open my Bible instead of entertain an internal debate spurred on by the cultural norm of idolizing opinion. Mine being first.🙄

And the only reprieve I find from my turmoil is in one beloved cry that comforts and calms and preserves my energy and words for a timely use in some future…conversation…ballot..heart to heart.

And that cry, one word:

✨Mercy✨

This word has been a constant in my vocabulary lately.

A constant prayer on Sunday—

Lord, have mercy.☦️

And in that Mercy, I find the only peace and eternal hope in the Love of God.
Because, Mercy is “the compassionate, steadfast love of God on sinners”. If the only supplication from my heart is “Lord, have mercy” then I call upon Love and Love covers a multitude of sins. Love covers me, my flaws, and my worries.

And I must admit, I forget the power of laying my heart prostrate in a cry of Mercy when my lungs are functioning a little less than 💯.

But now, with full breathing in the peace of my nest being full, my soul cries Mercy for those mamas out there facing the next 8 hours of shallow breathing.

Lord, have mercy. 🙏 (while it’s easy to initiate that cultural norm and debate in the comments, I ask that you refrain, and pray with me—for mercy and abundant Life for all).❤️

Humility, Love, and Pre-Teens

I am in the thick of teaching my youngest about what it really means to Love sacrificially. A big idea for an eleven year old. But, as I hear about her encounters at school, the societal pressures of a whole student body of pre-teens, and the acceptance rate according to your appearance and your “in” factor– I see a danger zone of misconceptions of what it truly means to Love each other (and Love is the Word of God. True Love is really not about an iota of materialism or fuzzy feelings wrapped up in our own desires).

Our world is so…transactional. An eye for an eye, a tooth for a tooth, a name brand for acceptance, an opinion for a label, kindness for kindness. I admit, I rely so heavily on reciprocity in the bounds of my relationships, that my feelings get hurt often by the ones I love most. Yet, hurt feelings are usually hurt pride…and if there is one thing I’ve learned over the past two years of diving deeper in my faith, it’s that there really is no room for pride. True Love is grounded in humility.

The sacrifice of Love is true humility. Sacrifice means giving up ourselves for someone else AND their benefit…just as Christ gave Himself for us. If we truly Love, then there is no self-benefit motivating that sacrifice. If we worry about what we get from the sacrifice, then that’s not really a sacrifice, but an inconvenient means to an end.

If I’m not careful, I find myself caught up in leaning more toward my daughter being happy than learning humility. I teach her on Sundays about worshipping the God of the Universe, but then I minimize Him throughout our week, allowing her “typical pre-teen ideas” to guide her in how she views those humans created with as much care as He created her.

God isn’t just filling me and my loved ones, but every single ounce of His creation. All things. Sacrificial Love has nothing to do with my perspective, my mental reasoning, and my position in society. Same for my daughter. Love is about pouring ourselves out for others for THEIR own benefit. Yet, Christ’s grace abounds, bestowing the benefit of filling us with Himself even so. And the only thing my mental knowledge is good for is this: to make me all the more humbled. I hope my daughter learns it quicker than I do!

Letting Go in the End

I am living these words right now…not in the same circumstance, of course…but in the same role as a mama, none-the-less. While I may have thought motherhood was a journey of keeping my children safe and secure, motherhood is more of a journey toward letting go. And in this moment of my son’s first week away at a new university, I’ve finally realized my usual posture of clutching and conforming and controlling is well past its expiration.

I am letting go. A counterintuitive act if I allow fear to call the shots.

I finally realized it the moment I found myself frantically looking up all the life-giving ways he could connect on campus and then worrying about him not seeking them out. Yep, this was me the week we moved him in.

I couldn’t help my initial response, because that’s who I’ve always been–making the most out of opportunities, especially when my kids are involved. But really, even before that. Back in my college experience. life was chock full of opportunities taken with vigor.

Uh… Yeah, I went there…”back in my day”….

My teens hate it when I do that. LOL.

But my thinking was challenged when I became the mom instead of the student while we set up his apartment. I thought back to what my mom had done with me. I went to “back in her day” and as much as I resisted that growing up, I am glad for “her day”…as a grown up now.

What I remember about my mom back then, is….

She moved me into my dorm.
She met my roommate.
She gave me a kiss.
And tearfully walked away.

That’s it.

She didn’t scour the campus catalog and suggest I take this kind of elective over the other…she didn’t seek out organizations and the “right” kind of campus ministry for me. My mom walked away and let all her years of mothering carry me along…without her.

“She held me lightly, lightly”. And she let me go figure it out. Always willing to offer advice and support, of course. But not holding my hand in a way that might have eventually had me run the other direction to find freedom out of some desperate measure.

This excerpt from Brandi Willis Schreiber on Mary’s restraint from controlling follows up with “How could she? She was not God.”

And while she was the Mother of God, she was still a mother. With a heart so filled up with the love for her Son and no doubt a fierce amount of self-control to resist not interfering with all that came at Him.

I am glad to learn from the mothers in my life. Not the ones who demand control in the name of fear…but the ones like my mom, like Mary, who relinquish their grip when the time has come.

Motherhood in the name of Love means letting go in the end, while trusting in a God who never lets go of our babies. Small and big.

Land of My Stories

The landscape is important to my creativity, I have a Landscape Architecture degree, after all.

Road trips inspire—and Iowa never fails to do exactly that. Some call it flat (but they’ve never rode a bike in RAGBRAI), some say it’s too cold (but they’ve never sat with Iowans around a fire pit), and some say there’s nothing to do in Iowa (but they’ve never bundled up to gaze at thousands of bald eagles).

Iowa.Land of my stories.Place in my heart.

A Mom’s Peacemaking

A long time ago, a friend spoke some truth to me that went dormant in my heart. Lately, it is pressing on me more and more.

She said, “You shouldn’t let your kids offend you.”

This was after I admitted to being personally offended by my school age children’s words.

It’s so hard to not take their words personally now, when they aren’t sassy 10 year olds, but teens and young adults desperately trying to stretch their wings…and sometimes knocking me in the process!

Yet, I think I get too sensitive at times, because I so desperately want to be accepted by my children. They are the most important beings in my life. And, as I prepare them to leave, I am bound by fear of them staying gone. Their reckless words and opinions now, torment my heart and feed my fear. That is the crux of why I act in offense—I am centered in fear of a future outcome. And yet, I become the battling opponent which makes little sense to satiate my fear. Because who wants to return to that?

So…what might happen if, instead, I become the PEACEMAKER in their lives, and let go of my ease of being offended?

Sure, correcting in love, but wearing my armor against their reckless words and behaviors, too, so my words don’t become rash and I don’t run the risk of holding grudges against my own kids!

Maybe the best thing I can model for my growing adults is PEACE in conflict most of all.

I am thankful for the New Year…a new day…and a chance for change. Because if I am the peacemaker in their lives, then one day, they will learn to make peace in their own families, and I can hope that includes me, too.