I am losing

I am losing.

These three words came out of my mouth the other day. And it surprised me how much they sum up my state of heart when it comes to being the only spiritual leader in my family.

On any economy, I am pretty much scraping the barrel, most days, if the currency is the bpm of spiritual life among my family members.

If I listen to the demand of Christian parenting gurus out there, then I am absolutely not living up to the “supposed to”’s as a mom. If I allow those who subscribe to modern culture to frame up what Christianity is supposed to look like, then I am the biggest loser.

When was the last time we prayed over a meal? When was the last family devotional time? When was the last time my kids sat in church two Sundays in a row? And when was the last time I fit into the mold of a Christ-centered marriage?

Years and years.

A lot of folks leave the church with the greatest reason being undue guilt and shame that guise as “good Christianity”.

But if that means that a self-help, checklist approach to being a Christian is valid, then I think the cross is buried in pragmatism with a tightening thread of plastic.

I drove to church today, alone, thinking I am the worst. I lost. I set myself up for this brilliant life back when I thought Christianity was all about knowing. And I tried with all my strength to pump my knowing into my little children.

But Christianity is nothing if it’s only about belief. Christianity is so much more than believing and saying a word. It’s about falling in love. It’s about being so compelled by Love, that nobody can stop you from meeting Love on Sunday—not the children who you love nearly as much nor the marriage that is growing more and more in grace than any self-help guru would believe.

I AM losing if I believe my kids’ Love of Christ is really about me. I am the biggest loser if I think forcing belief or demanding respect is what true Christianity calls for.

But I am not lost.
I am found.
I am glad I went to church today. And I am thankful that believing is so small a part in this journey—because sometimes I can’t even think straight, and that’s when Love takes over and my heart beats without my permission. And I release all my losing to the One Who’s already won.